When someone you care about loses a loved one, it’s easy to find yourself lost for words when trying to express a condolence message.
When expressing your condolences it’s the thought that counts. However, there are some general rules of thumb to follow if you want your message to be heartfelt.
Read on to learn how to say the right thing when offering a condolence message.
Why Express a Condolence Message?
Expressing a condolence message does two main things. First, it shows your grieving loved one that you value your relationship, or that you valued your relationship with the deceased.
Second, it helps the person who is grieving realise that they aren’t alone, and that they can lean on you for comfort and support.
Often, as sombre as they are, funerals offer an opportunity for families and friends to come together in mourning and celebration of the deceased, and this process starts with the condolence message.
By using the following tips, you can ensure that your message is well received, and that the grieving person feels supported by your words.
Don’t Wait Until the Funeral to Send a Condolence Message
Before we discuss how to give a condolence message, it’s most appropriate to discuss when to send your condolences. Many people make the mistake of waiting for the funeral before reaching out to the grieving parties.
Depending on a number of circumstances, like the cause of death and the financial situation of the family or the deceased, funerals can be held quite a while after death.
This means waiting until the funeral could appear as if you don’t really care, or like you couldn’t make time to reach out. Give your condolences within 24hrs of finding out about the passing. It will be much appreciated by the grieving parties.
Stay in Touch After the Funeral
While you want to make sure you reach out quickly, this shouldn’t be the only time you offer your support. If you are close with the deceased person’s loved ones, check in on them periodically after the funeral.
Mourning can last for months or even years, and knowing that they can count on you throughout that time can be more helpful than you realise.
Offer to Help (Only if You Can)
While kind words are a nice gesture, offering to help provides a real benefit beyond words. After the death of a loved one, simple tasks like house chores, yard work and even cooking can take a great deal of effort.
Offering to make some meals, mow a lawn or even drive the kids to school can make the world of difference. Don’t make the mistake of not offering because you don’t know if it’s needed. Many people might need help but won’t ask, and your offer could make a huge difference.
Just remember, only offer if you can actually help. If you live interstate and only travelled for the funeral, don’t offer to help with the housework. If they take you up on it all you will have done is given them false hope and made yourself look insincere. Above all else, condolence messages must always be sincere.
Using the Wrong Medium for Your Relationship
How you offer condolence messages can often be just as important as what you say. If you are really close to the grieving parties, a text message isn’t going to cut it. You need to visit or call. They need to be able to see you or hear your voice.
On the other hand, if you don’t know the family well at all, don’t show up on their doorstep immediately after hearing the news. In this case, a simple text or phone call can show that you care. Then, if you’d like, you can speak in person at the funeral.
Sending a sympathy card is a great way to show that you are going out of your way to keep them in your thoughts and offer your support. As younger generations use cards less and less, it makes them even more impactful. Not to mention, there is something deeply personal about receiving a handwritten card.
Avoid Minimising and Rationalising
One of the worst things you can do is try to minimise or rationalise death. Many people think they are helping by trying to downplay the situation, but that just isn’t the case.
The reality is, the grieving parties are fully aware that they have lost a loved one. They aren’t looking for you to hide that fact, all they need is for you to tell them you are there for them.
In particular, avoid saying any of these cliche phrases:
- “It was for the best”
- “At least they aren’t suffering anymore”
- “They lived a long life”
- “At least they didn’t suffer”
- “It could have been worse”
These phrases, and countless others that share the same sentiments, don’t help the situation. A loss is a loss, no matter the circumstances. Allow them to mourn properly, and instead say phrases that show your support and acknowledge their grief, such as:
- ”I’m so sorry to hear about what happened”
- “I was devastated to hear the news, my thoughts are with you”
- “They were a lovely person, I’m so sorry for your loss”
Phrases like these avoid making the conversation about you and don’t try to tell the grieving person how to think, feel or behave.
Religious Condolence Messages
Be very careful when using religious condolence messages, especially if you aren’t sure what beliefs the deceased person or their family hold.
The following faith-based condolences, despite having a good intention, can be difficult to hear for a non-religious person:
- “It’s all part of God’s plan”
- “They are in a better place now”
- “Everything happens for a reason”
Just like minimising or rationalising, these statements won’t offer comfort to a non-religious person, and can instead be misinterpreted as insensitively putting a positive spin on something that is overwhelmingly negative and traumatic for them.
Are You Looking for a Central Coast Funeral Director?
If you are close enough with the family of the deceased to be offering condolences in person, you may also be close enough to help write a eulogy or choose the right funeral director.
Coast Family Funerals is a family-owned, Central Coast funeral director. Our team prides itself on delivering quality care and funeral services. If you are in need of a funeral service, it would be our privilege to assist you.
Please don’t hesitate to contact us to enquire about our services.